so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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