i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
