where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
did i walk over a car last night?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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