I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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