the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
