According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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