Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
