She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
