Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
