Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
