I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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