Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
