Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
