apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
