i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
