listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I supernannyed him into submission
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
