if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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