I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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