Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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