What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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