i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
