I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
