Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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