Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
