i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
