Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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