I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
