she woke up with a sticky ear
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
