i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
