It's a beautiful day for a hangover
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
