I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
