I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
