Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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