woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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