who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
