I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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