She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
