'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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