The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
