this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
