I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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