I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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