the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
