I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
