38 yer olds are good kisserssss
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
