Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
