I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
