I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
