i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
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