I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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